V-Day

I've never really liked Valentine's Day, but not for the usual reasons.

For me, Valentine's Day brings about a tiny ray of hope, that someone out there might actually want to act all romantic for me or some kind of surprise might happen. Because, none of that has ever happened to me before.

I'm not a romantic. At least, I think I'm not. I've done things like write poems and bought thoughtful little gifts, so maybe I've done some romantic things for other people. But never have I been on the receiving end.

What is it like to be wooed, I wondered as I lay on my bed. V-Day came and went. A wave of disappointment washed over me as the sky gradually darkened outside. In reality, I shouldn't have anything to be disappointed over. My own sense of false hope was to blame.

The real blow came a few days after, when I saw the Facebook status change she made. I've already harbored some suspicions, but the truth still hurts. Maybe I should be glad now that I finally have a concrete reason for me to give up and let go. I've always known she is straight. What actually stung more was the fact that she hid this piece of information from me. She told me before that she isn't one to rush into a relationship, and the numerous guys rejected by her before are proof enough. 

I now know that those feelings won't ever be reciprocated, but I also thought that she regarded me as a close friend, and it was all that I tightly held onto. I really really cared that she see me as a close friend, and someone that she can trust. She used to share a lot of things with me, and I shared a large part of myself with her as well.

And then it all fell apart the moment that I saw that she now has a boyfriend. Backing away and keeping distance is a way to protect myself. I know that cutting myself off from our friendship is selfish. She probably isn't aware of anything. But for once, I want to be selfish.

Jealousy

Love is not the poison, it's jealousy that will eat into your heart.

在心中永遠的分手歌

記得

誰還記得是誰先說 永遠的愛我　
以前的一句話是我們 以後的傷口
過了太久沒人記得 當初那些溫柔　
我和你手牽手說要一起 走到最後

我們都忘了 這條路走了多久　
心中是清楚的 有一天 有一天都會停的
讓時間說真話 雖然我也害怕　
在天黑了以後 我們都不知道 會不會有以後

我們都累了 卻沒辦法往回走　
兩顆心都迷惑 怎麼說 怎麼說都沒有救
親愛的爲什麼 也許你也不懂　
兩個相愛的人 等著對方先說 想分開的理由

誰還記得愛情開始變化的時候　
我和你的眼中看見了 不同的天空
走得太遠終於走到 分岔路的路口　
是不是你和我 要有兩個 相反的夢

In Midst of the Finals Week

為什麼睡不著。

























看(複習)完了Harry Potter第六集，沒錯，在期末考週。唉，我看到Dumbledore死掉，還真的滿難過的，也想起當時看完這一集時多麼的想知道接下來會有什麼發展。當然，我現在依然想不起第七集在講啥，除了結局。

Ginny和Harry的戀情首次登場，我怎麼覺得他們比我現實中認識的情侶還要閃到我的感覺? 他們的故事讓我感到好孤單，真的好孤單啊... 幹，害我現在心情有點低落。

為什麼我就碰不到呢? 我就是碰不到，也找不到能讓我認真去愛的人。

Prizoner of Love

禮拜三下午，我面對著兩位失戀的朋友。看著她們沮喪的臉、憂鬱的眼神、不穩定的情緒...我很難想像自己以前也有渡過這種時期。我真的，已經無法想像，離我太遠了。我知道會心痛、會難過、會自責、會想太多...但我也終於懂了當時陪著我的朋友們的感受。

朋友A：都是我的錯。都是我的錯。都是我的錯。都是我的錯。都是我的錯。loop

朋友B：她為什麼不回頭?她為什麼沒有我看起來還是這麼快樂? (一萬個為什麼)

我：(...)

好運 (?)

玩瑪奇這麼久，我第一次感受到強運。運氣好是一種會令人上癮的感覺，因為太幸福了!!!! 以前不管怎麼玩轉蛋、怎麼開寶箱、怎麼抽什麼鳥的，都是一場一場的空。最近我卻非常好運，好運到讓我不可置信。

我竟然在下水道開到花瓣晚禮服....!!!!!! (價值1k萬) 雖然在當下我是決定送人，不過這也真的太不可思異了。1k萬!!!!! (呆) 雖然花瓣晚禮服送人了，我寶箱也有抽到大蝴蝶結 (買的唯一一把鑰匙開到的)，貓頭鷹也給了我貝姬魔法師服。我第一次感受到什麼叫好運 (泣)

如果你的朋友生肖是馬的請好好珍惜(轉)

好像是個闡述屬馬個性的文章，但其實我覺得這篇也就是什麼都列出來了(?) 正看看就好，粗字體的是我本身認同的。

整體而言，我就是口是心非又不善於表達。感覺有點可悲 = =

98迎宿魂

該怎麼說呢? 迎宿，真的是一輩子。連續3年都前往九華山莊，第一年是學員、第二年是服務員、第三年是老人。

對於看著迎宿漸漸形成到上營，其實我一直都抱持著複雜的心態。要不是當時我拒絕了總召，不然站在服務長的位置應該是我。我也能帶領著服務員與他們一起努力，直到最後一起擁抱一起哭泣，這又是一條未走之路。(小小的不正經心聲：苡均是我喜歡的型啦，可惡。) 我也是第一次站在外面，李豪善的圈圈外面，第一次感受到我是外人。

那4天的心酸並沒有比感動少，應該說...心酸更過於感動。我替當年的98服務員感到心酸，也替98老人感到心酸。薪傳時，我什麼感覺也沒有。因為就我的感受而言，他們99迎宿的感動是只屬於他們的。不管再怎麼接近，我們老人終究還是圈子外的人。我所有的感動僅來自於那只有跑過迎宿才會懂的，那一路走過來的心酸血淚史。

回去當老人是要有個寬容的心，我深深體會到。我們沒有義務去幫忙，這一切都是出自於一種切也切不斷的牽絆。更重要的是，那些營本是我心中重要的朋友們。我會再次去九華，就只是為了這些所謂的情感。然而營本們對我們98老人卻是冷漠的、極排外的與巧妙的無視，這很傷感情的欸。

不過最後在烤肉場，一聽到"第一天"的前奏，一起開始微笑時... 那一剎那，什麼都無所謂了，真的。一切的心酸與憤怒，都在那一瞬間化為我們當年98迎宿的感動。跳營舞會不自覺的微笑，揮別了心中的所有疲憊跟不滿。楊馥年做的薪傳影片，在我腦海中重播，這就是迎宿。

迎宿是一輩子的。

選擇

有時真的覺得我當時應該填東華大學在東吳大學前面，這樣我就是離家大學生了，但這樣也意味著我得失去很多現在的一切。我知道住外面我會很自由很快樂，但是那樣的快樂能跟現在也擁有的快樂相比嗎?我永遠都不會知道答案，因為我選擇了東吳大學這一條路。

就如Robert Frost這首詩一樣，「The Road Not Taken未走之路」。

Day 5 — Your dreams.

Dear,

I don't know what my dreams are anymore. I once thought I knew. I once thought I understood. But no, I don't.

When I was young, I was a little girl that loved to draw horses and dogs and small animals. So that little girl wanted to become a vet that could help animals. As I grow older, the sight of blood and having to cut open skin made me cringe. I failed at math. I do own a cat now though.

When I was a bit older, I was a teenager that loved to draw. I drew to express my feelings and sheets of blank paper were all filled with the immature scribblings of an immature teenager. That naive teenager proudly showed her drawings to her mother, who dismmissed the drawings with a scoff. "You're only wasting your time by drawing that kind of pictures, why don't you go learn water painting or something?" A few years after, most of the drawings are gone. Now there rarely are any drawings at all.

Now I am 20. I don't know what I want. I read books that make me cry. I read books to make me happy. I take pictures to capture the beautiful moments that I glimpse in life. I write down things that make sense to me. I wrote plays. I have all this, but I still don't know what direction to take. Where are my dreams?

I stare at my own shadow on a sunny day, I stare and stare. The sun is bright, I cover my eyes as I look up to the sky. Where are my dreams?

Finally

Well, I'm back at home...after more than a month.
I'm still trying to get used to not being a counselor in a yellow shirt.

Still tired.
Still doesn't want to wake up.

I miss you guys already.

Voces Inocentes/Innocent Voices

今天早上最後一堂西語課是看一部電影：Voces Inocentes (純真11歲) 故事是從一位在戰亂中的11歲的El Salvador小男孩眼光所描述的。男孩們一滿12歲就會被軍隊強制徵召去當兵，小小年紀就得握著槍面對戰爭。

我聽著電影中播放的一首Casas de Cartón(紙板房子)，覺得好難過。

Different Painting

A Tragedy

Parallel to Picasso during his Blue Period, life's experiences has left a deep impact in your life. Yet, like the people in the painting, you knows that there are things you can't say. You are mysterious and lonely. Friends around you may or may not notice, but you are definitely more sad than you appear to be. The space between the people represents an emptiness which you do not know how to fill. You feel insecure. (copied from Facebook Quiz: A Painting that is you.)

This is actually the only Facebook quiz that I think has some meaning. The weird thing is my painting actually changed after a year, from the Son of Knowledge to the Tragedy. It's kinda amazing because the Tragedy landed its marker even closer to my heart and personality. Great quiz!!

《かえり道》 回家的路

《かえり道》 回家的路

獨自走在夕陽斜照的回家的路上，
一直想念你。

初次看見的景色依舊，
而你卻不再。

那天你說的話太過突然，
你說，“我的她”
“你要最先向我介紹”我如此回答

從明天開始，
對你發自內心的笑也好，
對你熾熱的愛慕之心也好，
我會不假思索地保留。

這已然浮現的心情，
已經無法抹去喜歡你 。

為什麼會如此鬱鬱寡歡，
如此地悲傷？
你明明一直都在我身邊，
現在卻彷彿說了“再見”

多想立刻轉過身去，
一口氣跑去，
想追回你，因這份感情無法駐足。

從明天開始，
把那份對你的發自內心的笑，
獻給這太過炫目的天空。

靜靜地，我把這些念給自己聽。

啊，其實想告訴你的是
多希望你能明白我的心
啊，現在已無法言語

我是如此愛你。

98迎宿薪傳影片

這個影片大概是唯一能讓我在大眾面前流淚的東西，到了大二末再次看一遍... 回想起了那天晚會完都快累死又睡眠不足。影片音樂一下，我原本還有點想強忍住淚水。當然還是忍不住，打從內心深處流下眼淚。那些流下的淚水代表著我們一起度過的暑假、我們的努力、我們的痛苦、我們的98迎宿。

我超忙。

我突然覺得，非常非常的累。

每天回家背台詞、找音效、剪音效、過敏。

好累，我真的...有點想要哭。







因為，我覺得在這一切忙亂中，我感到非常孤單。

旋木

旋木
詞：楊明學 曲：袁惟仁 編曲：黃中嶽 主唱：王菲

這首歌，我聽了也很哭。

"我忘了只能原地奔跑的那憂傷"....好悲傷。

Storm & Little Boat

If I could liken my mother to anything, I would describe her as a great storm, and our household would be like a little boat floating on the ocean. The storm is unpredictable, and the little boat has to suffer the damage and violent wind brought on by the storm.

When she is in a good mood, there would be sunshine and good wind to propel the boat onward. But then the sky would darken, and woe on the little frail boat sailing on the wide wide ocean. The rain would come down in torrents, and waves would come crashing from all sides. The little boat would rock, sway, tilt, spin, and almost capsize. Then the storm would suddenly cease, and angry gray clouds would clear way for the sun to peek out again.

This is an endless cycle in my family. The captain is as useless against the storm as the sailors are, all that we could do is endure and pray for the sunshine after the storm.

春假

東吳真的很誇張!!!繼多了一個禮拜的寒假之後，東吳的春假又是一個禮拜的假期，好誇張唷。(笑) 去年因為滿多其他學校也放了3天左右的春假，東吳的一個禮拜就感覺還好。但今年我目前沒聽到任何其他學校像我們學校一樣放這麼久，清大放四五六日一，世新放五六日一。重點是，"一"還是清明節。

Sonnet 144

Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend
Suspect I may, but not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.




So, it still amounts to nothing.