Facebook & Tumblr rant

I have very different attitudes regarding these two internet communities that I spend quite a considerable amount of time on everyday. Facebook is almost an extension of my life in reality, because 95% of the people that I interact with on Facebook are people that I’ve first known in real life or have come to know in real life. That includes family members (though I was really reluctant to add them), classmates, co-workers, and friends from an online game that I had played for years (though I don’t play it anymore). While Tumblr only consists of people that I interact with via Tumblr, i. e. liking other people’s posts, giving replies, reblogging, and sending messages.

the road not taken

What I want you to think about is what happens afterwards.

It's actually easy to form an intense bond with someone when two people have gone through a major event or time period together. The bond takes form rather quickly, but is fragile in the long run. It isn't unlike a cement mixture that has been tampered with, while the hardening process speeds up immensely, it'll easily crumble to pieces when dropped. And these kinds of relationships are exactly that, easily dropped if not careful.

In order to attain a continued spontaneous connection when the time comes relies on both parties. On the one side, you have to be sure about your desire to keep in touch with the intent to proceed further no matter what. On the other side, this other person also has to provide a sense of security or an invitation of sorts for you to latch onto. But relationships usually don't play out like that with crystal clear intents and directions. You are left with a strong desire to have a further connection, but the other party gives off a mixed and confusing vibe.

Ask directly, you run the risk of ruining a potential friendship. Keep silent, you run the risk of ruining a potential romantic relationship.

This is what happens when two people bond too quickly, only to be left at a crossroad. Which way to proceed? Choose one, and the other becomes the road not taken. And that really just sucks.

Poem, maybe

If only I knew where to turn,

Other than the turning of a page.

Maybe I will stop searching

Between the words,

For hopes that glide and

Surround me like birds.

I could lose myself

In an afternoon,

With a cup of coffee

and a book.

At the very end of that line,

I close the book and sigh.

For the thud echoes heavily

Out of earshot,

But in my mind.

V-Day

I've never really liked Valentine's Day, but not for the usual reasons.

For me, Valentine's Day brings about a tiny ray of hope, that someone out there might actually want to act all romantic for me or some kind of surprise might happen. Because, none of that has ever happened to me before.

I'm not a romantic. At least, I think I'm not. I've done things like write poems and bought thoughtful little gifts, so maybe I've done some romantic things for other people. But never have I been on the receiving end.

What is it like to be wooed, I wondered as I lay on my bed. V-Day came and went. A wave of disappointment washed over me as the sky gradually darkened outside. In reality, I shouldn't have anything to be disappointed over. My own sense of false hope was to blame.

The real blow came a few days after, when I saw the Facebook status change she made. I've already harbored some suspicions, but the truth still hurts. Maybe I should be glad now that I finally have a concrete reason for me to give up and let go. I've always known she is straight. What actually stung more was the fact that she hid this piece of information from me. She told me before that she isn't one to rush into a relationship, and the numerous guys rejected by her before are proof enough. 

I now know that those feelings won't ever be reciprocated, but I also thought that she regarded me as a close friend, and it was all that I tightly held onto. I really really cared that she see me as a close friend, and someone that she can trust. She used to share a lot of things with me, and I shared a large part of myself with her as well.

And then it all fell apart the moment that I saw that she now has a boyfriend. Backing away and keeping distance is a way to protect myself. I know that cutting myself off from our friendship is selfish. She probably isn't aware of anything. But for once, I want to be selfish.

Emily Fields and Coming Out

I'm just going to be frank, if it wasn't reading articles about Pretty Little Liars on Autostraddle and AfterEllen, I probably never would even think of watching it. But I decided to give it a go while waiting for my weekly new episodes of Lost Girl S3, which by the way, is looking really good.

Pretty Little Liars is a curious mix of drama and suspense, I think. At a first glance, it strongly resembles Gossip Girls, even though I've never seen that either. It's got a high school setting, a clique of friends, jock boyfriends abound, etc... but then pops in a murder investigation. The professional investigation stuff with the police and detectives is actually a bit laughable, but it can be over looked for the other more intriguing plots.

Hey uh, so you went to an all-girls high school then?

I got asked this question, a lot, when I first started college. I was sporting spiked up short hair, or token “T” hairstyle if you would, back then. I was finally free from high school uniform skirts. I could finally start dressing in clothes that I find comfortable and suitable for myself. But then, I started getting pegged as “T”.
What is “T”, you may ask? It’s a quite common term in Taiwan that points to the butch or masculine looking lesbian/queer girls. It is a very broad term or label that can’t really just be narrowed down to one particular kind of identity or appearance. Some people, usually straight (but people in LGBTQ circles are not excluded), might also use this term to indicate someone that identifies as lesbian.

Another year, 2013

2013 crept upon me in a steady pace, I have been quietly watching the days go by ever since Christmas. But it wasn't until the last 4, 3, 2, 1!!!! was yelled that it really hit me in the face that 2012 is...no more. To me, the passing of 2012 was much more than a year gone by, the part of me that still clutched on to my identity as a college student became one step farther away, and it's marching at a steadfast pace away from me.

I dread the day when that part of me became a speck in the distance.

HAMMER

Thanks to Autostraddle, I now know Sarah Blasko. I immediately searched and downloaded 3 of her albums. Out of the 3, What the Sea Wants, The Sea Will Have is by far my favorite one. I think I already mentioned before that I usually take great liking to songs that aren't focused on love, but instead on life. Love songs are great, they can touch your heart at specific moments in your life. But once you stepped over that love or memory or whatever, the song also becomes something of the past. Songs about life, emotions, and being a human in general usually never fall out of fashion because those are part of living life.

Hammer is a song that aptly describes my own frustrations in life, recently.

好運 (?)

玩瑪奇這麼久，我第一次感受到強運。運氣好是一種會令人上癮的感覺，因為太幸福了!!!! 以前不管怎麼玩轉蛋、怎麼開寶箱、怎麼抽什麼鳥的，都是一場一場的空。最近我卻非常好運，好運到讓我不可置信。

我竟然在下水道開到花瓣晚禮服....!!!!!! (價值1k萬) 雖然在當下我是決定送人，不過這也真的太不可思異了。1k萬!!!!! (呆) 雖然花瓣晚禮服送人了，我寶箱也有抽到大蝴蝶結 (買的唯一一把鑰匙開到的)，貓頭鷹也給了我貝姬魔法師服。我第一次感受到什麼叫好運 (泣)

98迎宿魂

該怎麼說呢? 迎宿，真的是一輩子。連續3年都前往九華山莊，第一年是學員、第二年是服務員、第三年是老人。

對於看著迎宿漸漸形成到上營，其實我一直都抱持著複雜的心態。要不是當時我拒絕了總召，不然站在服務長的位置應該是我。我也能帶領著服務員與他們一起努力，直到最後一起擁抱一起哭泣，這又是一條未走之路。(小小的不正經心聲：苡均是我喜歡的型啦，可惡。) 我也是第一次站在外面，李豪善的圈圈外面，第一次感受到我是外人。

那4天的心酸並沒有比感動少，應該說...心酸更過於感動。我替當年的98服務員感到心酸，也替98老人感到心酸。薪傳時，我什麼感覺也沒有。因為就我的感受而言，他們99迎宿的感動是只屬於他們的。不管再怎麼接近，我們老人終究還是圈子外的人。我所有的感動僅來自於那只有跑過迎宿才會懂的，那一路走過來的心酸血淚史。

回去當老人是要有個寬容的心，我深深體會到。我們沒有義務去幫忙，這一切都是出自於一種切也切不斷的牽絆。更重要的是，那些營本是我心中重要的朋友們。我會再次去九華，就只是為了這些所謂的情感。然而營本們對我們98老人卻是冷漠的、極排外的與巧妙的無視，這很傷感情的欸。

不過最後在烤肉場，一聽到"第一天"的前奏，一起開始微笑時... 那一剎那，什麼都無所謂了，真的。一切的心酸與憤怒，都在那一瞬間化為我們當年98迎宿的感動。跳營舞會不自覺的微笑，揮別了心中的所有疲憊跟不滿。楊馥年做的薪傳影片，在我腦海中重播，這就是迎宿。

迎宿是一輩子的。

Day 6 — A stranger.

Oh shoot, it's already nearing the end of September. I guess returning to Mabinogi does have some influence on my other online activities. My tumblr posts have greatly declined and I have posted even less here, but it's also due to the fact that school has started. So, here's Day 6.

Hmmm...this is a tricky topic. I don't usually care about strangers (i.e. people I don't know or am not close with), and I usually forget about them after a few days. But I do have someone in mind, and she is a student at the same college that I go to. We've never formally met, but I have seen her in the same classes or at random places at school. I know for a fact that she is in the Japanese Department, and that she is also a member of one of the dance clubs. What made me remember her out of so many people that I meet at school are that she again has a same course as me this semester and her outfit/style.

課表悲劇

這是理想的課表，24學分。

這是實際選上的課表，18學分。

其實也沒有我想像中差啦，雖然一開始看到時有點傻眼。作文是我自己退掉的，但現在聖經沒上...我大概就是重新選進(一)12的作文課。音樂與人文第一次沒上是因為限修規定不符，我也沒辦法。這樣一看，我最差也會有20學分。禮拜五真的空著欸...

唉，在帶營隊時錯過一次選課有些損失。現在只能等開學後的加退選了。

至少我同性戀文學有上，耶。

8/24新補充：
我去看了修課人數，發現我的作文只剩(二)12馬健君的課我能修，我看...我大三要18學分度過了 = = 我原先充滿光明理想的大三課表...(哀悼)

MBTI 職業性格測試報告

分析：您的性格類型是「ISFP」( 藝術家 )

沉靜，友善，敏感和仁慈。欣賞目前和他們週遭所發生的事情。
喜歡有自己的空間，做事又能把握自己的時間。忠於自己的價值觀，忠於自己所重視的人。
不喜歡爭論和衝突，不會強迫別人接受自己的意見或價值觀。

ISFP型的人平和、敏感，他們保持著許多強烈的個人理想和自己的價值觀念。
他們更多地是通過行為而不是言辭表達自己深沉的情感。
ISFP型的人謙虛而緘默，但實際上他們是具有巨大的友受和熱情之人，但是除了與他們 相知和信賴的人在一起外，他們不經常表現出自我的另一面。因為ISFP型的人不喜歡直接地自我表達，所以常常被誤解。
ISFP型的人耐心、靈活，很容易與他人相處，很少支配或控制別人。他們很客觀，以一種相當實事求是的方式接受他人的行為。他們善於觀察周圍的人和物，卻不尋求發現動機和含義。
ISFP型的人完全生活在現在，所以他們的準備或計劃往往不會多於必需，他們是很好的短期計劃制定者。因為他們喜歡享受目前的經歷， 而不繼續向下一個目標兌現，所以他們對完成工作感到很放鬆。
ISFP型的人對於從經歷中直接瞭解和感受的東西很感興趣，常常富有藝術天賦和審美感，力求為自己創造一個美麗而隱蔽的環境。沒有想要成為領導者，ISFP 型的人經常是忠誠的追隨者和團體成員。因為他們利用個人的價值標準去判斷生活中的每一件事，所以他們喜歡那些花費時間去認識他們和理解他們內心的忠誠之人。
他們需要最基本的信任和理解，在生活中需要和睦的人 際關係，對於衝突和分歧則很敏感。

您適合的領域有：手工藝、藝術領域、醫護領域、商業、服務業領域等

您適合的職業有：

客戶銷售代表
行政人員
商品規劃師
測量師
海洋生物學者
廚師
室內裝潢設計師
園藝設計師
旅遊銷售經理
旅行社銷售人員
職業病理專業人員
時裝、首飾設計師
陶器製作者
樂器製作者
卡通漫畫製作者
素描畫家
舞蹈演員
畫家
出診醫生
出診護士
理療師
牙科醫生
個人健康和運動教練
體育用品、個人理療用品銷售員
餐飲業、娛樂業業主

***

還滿準的。

tumblrrrrr

最近在FB、PLURK、Tumblr都發展良好的感覺，反觀我的Blogspot有一點點沒落。要找到靈感與對的心情下，才會想打一篇有意義的網誌。我發現我現在越來越少...會發這種文章。以前在無名雖然不夠成熟，常常會發表一些很沒有質感的東西，但我發現在那邊所留下的字句往往都充滿了許多真誠的情感。不過也是因為太過真情流漏，使得我現在不想再用無名。我不得不承認，那邊所保有的記憶，是無可取代的。

On Love

"If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me."

- Stephen Chbosky

Well, yeah. Recently I had some discussion on the topic of love with a good friend of mine, who happens to be both male and gay. I don't have too many male friends that I can associate with, but he's an exception. No, he does not act like a girl, it's just that his train of thought is much closer to me than most people. You could say that we are people that are stuck between the two gender.

He has never been in an official relationship with anyone before, sure he's got those school crushes now and then, but no romantic relationships to speak of at all. I have been in a relationship with a girl, and yeah, that makes me none the wiser. In short, we are both inexperienced and very single at the moment. Some of my friends are very enthusiastic in finding a good boyfriend for him, and yes he is considering. But due to his many, uh, responsibilities, he just doesn't think he has the time for love.

Then he posed a question to me, "Don't you want to find a girl?" Well, I don't really know how to answer that exactly. I've only been in one relationship in my whole 19 (almost 20) years, that might sound stupid to some, but that's the plain truth. I might be an easy-going classmate, but I am a very closeted (pun intended?) person when it comes to more intimacy, even between good friends. Unlike my gay best friend, who knows what kind of guys he is attracted, and he has strong gaydar, lol. But me? I have no clue, really. I mean, my ex turned out straight after we broke up. I really don't know how to find a girl, the right girl. I am clueless, and I'm too goddamn shy. And the thing is, my mom is homophobic, and I don't think I have the strength to confront her on these matters again, at least not for a long time.

My last relationship was initiated by the other party, meaning I was on the receiving end. (now this sounds a bit weird) I have no idea how to take the initiative, and I am certainly no flirt. Not to mention the most important thing of all, I haven't met a girl that has got anywhere near my heart yet

Now, what does college love life hold for me? 0%, as of yet.

青春

什麼是青春，跨越了青春的門檻之後還能歌詠青春嗎？還是帶著嫉妒與疑惑扼殺了青春的可能。成人的框架與限制，很多時候成了與孩子溝通的屏蔽。有時候，有些孩子會在同儕裡找到歸屬。可是有時候，有些孩子選擇退縮到自己的世界裡，直到他們找到聽懂他們心靈語言的對象。


青春原是充滿浪漫，青春原是滿佈想像，可浪漫與現狀的衝突、想像與真實鴻溝，讓青春埋藏著無可忽略的難題。即便如此，卻不可拋卻青春，因為面對難題的過程，在那困頓的掙扎裡，才能強韌關於自我的意識與價值，也才能鍛鍊存在的勇氣與決斷。重要的是，在面對這種種之時，別要忘了青春的本質，「希望」。


我想嘗試訴說屬於青春的語言，屬於青春的自由，還有青春裡不容忽視的「可能」。

Gender

"I don’t believe in a gender binary. I think that there are probably an infinite number of genders that one can be, and I do mean that in an abstract way. What’s the point in trying to decide if there are two genders or three or three million? However people want to express themselves and however they feel, that’s who they are. That’s their gender, that’s their personality, that’s their sex, that’s who they are. I don’t even like the word “gender,” I don’t understand the point of it." - Kim Stolz

It’s not contingent on chromosomes, sex organs, or any biological trait. Biology defines sex, not gender (though even biology has it’s grey areas). - from Autostraddle

I've always found the subject of gender vs sex to be fascinating. Maybe it's because I'm struggling to identify myself, to get to know myself for who I really am. I came out to myself in my third year of high school, after my breakup with a girl I liked, I finally viewed myself as gay.

I am a girl, but I don't want to dress in women's clothing. I look like a boy, but I'm not like a boy. These are many thoughts that I keep to keep my identity from falling apart.

Before Sunset

Storm & Little Boat

If I could liken my mother to anything, I would describe her as a great storm, and our household would be like a little boat floating on the ocean. The storm is unpredictable, and the little boat has to suffer the damage and violent wind brought on by the storm.

When she is in a good mood, there would be sunshine and good wind to propel the boat onward. But then the sky would darken, and woe on the little frail boat sailing on the wide wide ocean. The rain would come down in torrents, and waves would come crashing from all sides. The little boat would rock, sway, tilt, spin, and almost capsize. Then the storm would suddenly cease, and angry gray clouds would clear way for the sun to peek out again.

This is an endless cycle in my family. The captain is as useless against the storm as the sailors are, all that we could do is endure and pray for the sunshine after the storm.

交換生是個X

我等了好久的交換生學校名單，結果終於出了。嗯，美洲加澳洲只有四所學校，而且都是之前被我排除的。我對於這個名單的公佈，充滿了期待，也充滿了一種恐懼。因為一申請，就意味著可能要從台灣消失一整年。雖然這也是我暗中渴望的大改變，但是我還是會害怕離開。從考大學那期間，其實我爸媽就一直希望我乾脆出國唸算了，可是當時我很排斥。現在雖然不會這樣了，但是我心中還存有一種障礙。