Hey uh, so you went to an all-girls high school then?

I got asked this question, a lot, when I first started college. I was sporting spiked up short hair, or token “T” hairstyle if you would, back then. I was finally free from high school uniform skirts. I could finally start dressing in clothes that I find comfortable and suitable for myself. But then, I started getting pegged as “T”.
What is “T”, you may ask? It’s a quite common term in Taiwan that points to the butch or masculine looking lesbian/queer girls. It is a very broad term or label that can’t really just be narrowed down to one particular kind of identity or appearance. Some people, usually straight (but people in LGBTQ circles are not excluded), might also use this term to indicate someone that identifies as lesbian.

我們都只是想幸福的人

我也是個想幸福的人....

On Love

"If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me."

- Stephen Chbosky

Well, yeah. Recently I had some discussion on the topic of love with a good friend of mine, who happens to be both male and gay. I don't have too many male friends that I can associate with, but he's an exception. No, he does not act like a girl, it's just that his train of thought is much closer to me than most people. You could say that we are people that are stuck between the two gender.

He has never been in an official relationship with anyone before, sure he's got those school crushes now and then, but no romantic relationships to speak of at all. I have been in a relationship with a girl, and yeah, that makes me none the wiser. In short, we are both inexperienced and very single at the moment. Some of my friends are very enthusiastic in finding a good boyfriend for him, and yes he is considering. But due to his many, uh, responsibilities, he just doesn't think he has the time for love.

Then he posed a question to me, "Don't you want to find a girl?" Well, I don't really know how to answer that exactly. I've only been in one relationship in my whole 19 (almost 20) years, that might sound stupid to some, but that's the plain truth. I might be an easy-going classmate, but I am a very closeted (pun intended?) person when it comes to more intimacy, even between good friends. Unlike my gay best friend, who knows what kind of guys he is attracted, and he has strong gaydar, lol. But me? I have no clue, really. I mean, my ex turned out straight after we broke up. I really don't know how to find a girl, the right girl. I am clueless, and I'm too goddamn shy. And the thing is, my mom is homophobic, and I don't think I have the strength to confront her on these matters again, at least not for a long time.

My last relationship was initiated by the other party, meaning I was on the receiving end. (now this sounds a bit weird) I have no idea how to take the initiative, and I am certainly no flirt. Not to mention the most important thing of all, I haven't met a girl that has got anywhere near my heart yet

Now, what does college love life hold for me? 0%, as of yet.