失戀，其實只是失落吧

前陣子，厚臉皮的將自己的難過稱為失戀
但 是失戀嗎??

因爲我在爭取前就先放棄了，害怕失去所有不敢輕舉妄動的我，說著不想擁有的我，其實是最貪心的吧……

V-Day

I've never really liked Valentine's Day, but not for the usual reasons.

For me, Valentine's Day brings about a tiny ray of hope, that someone out there might actually want to act all romantic for me or some kind of surprise might happen. Because, none of that has ever happened to me before.

I'm not a romantic. At least, I think I'm not. I've done things like write poems and bought thoughtful little gifts, so maybe I've done some romantic things for other people. But never have I been on the receiving end.

What is it like to be wooed, I wondered as I lay on my bed. V-Day came and went. A wave of disappointment washed over me as the sky gradually darkened outside. In reality, I shouldn't have anything to be disappointed over. My own sense of false hope was to blame.

The real blow came a few days after, when I saw the Facebook status change she made. I've already harbored some suspicions, but the truth still hurts. Maybe I should be glad now that I finally have a concrete reason for me to give up and let go. I've always known she is straight. What actually stung more was the fact that she hid this piece of information from me. She told me before that she isn't one to rush into a relationship, and the numerous guys rejected by her before are proof enough. 

I now know that those feelings won't ever be reciprocated, but I also thought that she regarded me as a close friend, and it was all that I tightly held onto. I really really cared that she see me as a close friend, and someone that she can trust. She used to share a lot of things with me, and I shared a large part of myself with her as well.

And then it all fell apart the moment that I saw that she now has a boyfriend. Backing away and keeping distance is a way to protect myself. I know that cutting myself off from our friendship is selfish. She probably isn't aware of anything. But for once, I want to be selfish.

Emily Fields and Coming Out

I'm just going to be frank, if it wasn't reading articles about Pretty Little Liars on Autostraddle and AfterEllen, I probably never would even think of watching it. But I decided to give it a go while waiting for my weekly new episodes of Lost Girl S3, which by the way, is looking really good.

Pretty Little Liars is a curious mix of drama and suspense, I think. At a first glance, it strongly resembles Gossip Girls, even though I've never seen that either. It's got a high school setting, a clique of friends, jock boyfriends abound, etc... but then pops in a murder investigation. The professional investigation stuff with the police and detectives is actually a bit laughable, but it can be over looked for the other more intriguing plots.

Hey uh, so you went to an all-girls high school then?

I got asked this question, a lot, when I first started college. I was sporting spiked up short hair, or token “T” hairstyle if you would, back then. I was finally free from high school uniform skirts. I could finally start dressing in clothes that I find comfortable and suitable for myself. But then, I started getting pegged as “T”.
What is “T”, you may ask? It’s a quite common term in Taiwan that points to the butch or masculine looking lesbian/queer girls. It is a very broad term or label that can’t really just be narrowed down to one particular kind of identity or appearance. Some people, usually straight (but people in LGBTQ circles are not excluded), might also use this term to indicate someone that identifies as lesbian.

My long lost love for TV shows (a.k.a. guilty pleasures, no?) & Lost Girl

Well, actually, I think Lip Service deserves the guilty pleasure title most adequately, but I digress.

Anyhow, this is definitely a Lost Girl appreciation post. And I know this sounds mightily cliched, "How have I not started on this show sooner??" I frequent Auotstraddle and AfterEllen, where a considerable number of shows with lesbian/bisexual/queer ladies have been and are being discussed and/or recapped. Somehow, I've only ever watched Skins (S3 & S4), Glee and Lip Service, which is kinda sad... (HA!) Skins was a truly wonderful creation in the name of Naomily, somehow I've never really gotten to it on this blog, this shall be amended in due time.

I guess I kind of have to blame Glee for killing off a lot of my passion for TV shows. Skins was great, but the Skins I favored was also only 2 seasons and way shorter, but I did enjoy the hell out of it. Glee, on the other hand, is at the very least 3 seasons long, and with a (horrible) fourth season still running. I really liked Santana and Brittany's storyline, because:

“Have you ever fallen in love with your best friend? Of course you have, you’re a lesbian!”

--- AfterEllen.com describes it best

But then the show deteriorated and became only a shadow of what it once was with the inconsistencies, character assassinations, inequalities, misogynistic portrayals, etc. It really killed off my mood to watch TV shows, not just Glee.

Then, along came Lost Girl.